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| its been forever, and another forever it shall be.. don't try to find me..
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| its
just an update of my week.. so its been going preety good so far.. i
feel like ive been spending a lot of my moms money.. first she gave me
20 bucks, that i just wasted like NOTHING.. and i am like down to 6
bucks ?! wow .. i really gotta stop buying stuff. maybe ill budget my
money and save like 5 bucks a day or something.. so monday was preety
cool i guess.. my friend sheena didn't go to school and my friend
brandon and me didn't do our h/w so we skipped.. but we did miss a shit
load of work.. but me and brandon went to the mall to eat, and went to
Perkins, and then we looked around for sheena's house, wich was
literally right across from perkins.. was i pissed yeah because we
drove ALL through the villa's.. and it was LITERALLY right across.. but
oh well.. then i did some h/w, and that night i skipped my night class
and played tennis with my friend megan.. and all just leave it al
that.. Tuesday, my dad and me picked up the debris we binded and took
em to this huge mulcher, were i threw the debris in like i was in the
olympic.. that was fun.. and then that night i played tennis yet again
like i always do.. and yeah that was the end of that day.. Wendsday was
a little quicker.. i just went to school and then i slept a little and
i did my night class and went to the tennis court, wich is werid
because i am usually out of time but i got out early so i did my
hitting that night.. and thats it.. so Thursday was a little
different.. i hung out with josh my cousin and our friend Ian and we
went to best buy and circut city and to pick up Ian's mom and off to
tennis me and josh went.. but walking onto the tennis court i didn't
feel like playing tennis after a while.. as soon as a couple of people
were leaving i wanted to leave too.. but josh my cousin came and i was
thinking " aww, now i can't leave." so i had to stay.. and then megan
came and it was like a must for me not to leave because then i would be
hated and stuff like that.. so i sucked it up and played with our old
people friends and i lost in both doubles with my cousin and my friend
eduardo.. usually it was because of me, or someone else.. or i get
reckless.. but then the drive home from the tennis court is always
making me wanna drive my car into another car going 60.. its just this
werid feeling i get, usually after playing a game.. regardless of
winning or lossing.. and everyone says i am nervous, or i choke or
something.. and usually i don't know what i am thinking or whatever..
but i could care less.. so i dunno what i am doin tonight.. i had a
little chat with my mom and dad, just about life and gosip and family
talk stuff.. it kinda made me happy.. but as i left i was back to
wanting to end my life and go insane and blah blah blah.. i think if i
could.. i would kill myself right now.. because i am one big
confusion.. one minute i am happy and outgoing, next when i get home, i
feel like shit and i wanna kill myself.. i look at my dog, and wish he
could hop up on his hind legs and pull out a shotgun and shoot me in
the chest.. and then lay next to me.. only because i am really close
with my dog.. and i know if he was a real human being, he would do it..
i guess tommorrow won't be the same.. i wake up.. i get orders from my
parents.. and then i sit on my ass and do nothing.. and then i probably
go to tennis at night to somewhat make me happy.. or just make me mad
because ill probably complain inside about my hitting.. and then think
about killing myself on the tennis court.. or do the drive home thing
and hit another car going 60.. but anywho, its just me and what i am
thinking.. i am physco and sadistic person, i just put on a mask to
hide every little insanity i have.. i know just one day, i am gonna
snap and go crack out on all my friends and tell them off, and say mean
things and maybe make do the same to my family, and then when everyones
mad at me.. ill steal a car, and a gun, drive off some bridge, shoot
myself while i am flying off, and then sink to the bottum of cold ocean
floor.. where i belong.. because it'll almost be like hell down there..
and then i know just before i die.. ill laugh and smile and giggle..
and then think how this was soo cool.. and slowly pass away with a
smile on.. so its nothing flashy but it doesn't need to be.. i just
wanna die and stay like that .. i have nothing to live for.. i am just
another person with no purpose and no real moral for this world.. ugh..
i am a complainer, but who cares.. its just me.. if you can't deal with
it, then don't be my friend..
that ASIAN.. | | |
| i dread of moving out of this place.. i hardly have fun, there's no
adventure that i can muster up.. and there's no adrenaline rush to
where i go.. everything is almost the same.. go to school.. i go home..
i do my night class.. i play tennis.. and then i repeat.. i put a fake
smile on to apease my friends, and i put act on for everyone to hide my
anger and whatever.. i try to change my day, everyday.. but its just
not the same.. i either feel alone, or just left out in a group.. a
fith wheel.. so what the hell am i talken about.. i don't know.. maybe
i am just being more of a loner now.. i find myself either shutting out
a lot of my friends or i am just not going to anything that i might
promise my friends.. i dunno.. i either wanna be alone and just not
talk to anyone.. or i just wanna hangout with new friends.. i don't
know.. i am confused.. someone needs to make me smile once more..
that ASIAN.. | | |
| ook since no one reads my xanga.. i am gonna make this out to my friend megan.. WOOOOOO
your smile and touch, sent me to heaven..
your laughs and jokes, made me float..
with you and me, we are one of a team..
we are indestructable, we are one, as plainly seen..
but a dark cloud shruded us, and we were torn apart..
still hanging on, but one from one thought..
i still remember that day, how it was just today..
that you told me you wanted this, to never end that way..
so i hold you in my arms and cry these tears, never wanting to let you go, screaming in fear..
bleh.. i couldn't come up with an ending.. arg.. oh well.. what a crappy poem..
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